Spin Cycle

On  I was told I had a brain tumor. The good news was that it looked like a benign meningioma, the bad news was that I needed surgery or it would kill me. My life was spinning out of control. The first awful task was telling my family; after my husband and I cried, we set about telling our kids, ages 13 and 11 at the time. We decided to tell them the truth, I felt that if we lied to them and they discovered the truth, they would never trust us again. It was as horrible as I expected, they were devastated and naturally terrified. I struggled not to cry when we told them; I hoped that if they saw me be strong, they would not be so scared.

When it came to telling my friends, I took the cowards' way out and sent a mass email. Hearing the words “I have a brain tumor” come from my mouth was surreal and, to be honest, I did not want to see the looks of panic and sympathy. I was determined to be strong and feared this façade would slip if I had to keep saying it out loud.

How do you prepare for brain surgery? My husband and I spent the month before surgery falling into the roles we do best. He has a job in research so he became an expert on meningiomas. He spent hours on the computer finding reliable sources of information and creating lists of questions to ask my surgeon. He also found me an online support group, which was invaluable. The people at www.meningiomamommas.org offered me a glimmer of hope. Many of them had been through the same nightmare I was now caught up in. I would spend many hours before and after surgery talking with my new friends. I could tell them how scared I was, they understood.

My role was control-freak/cheerleader! When I was not working, I was filling my freezer with food, stocking my pantry with non-perishables and filling my basement with toiletries and cleaning supplies. I tried to keep everyone’s spirits up; I refused to let anyone mope around me. I remember one day pulling my husband to one side and telling him to “snap out of it”! Poor guy, he was scared, but I did not want him to show it, I wanted us all to stay strong for the sake of the kids. I did not realize it at the time; I was trying to stay in denial about what could happen. It was easier to pretend than deal with it. I did not have time for a breakdown!

The most important job I had was selecting a surgeon. I called friends that worked at the hospital; I called my trusted rheumatologist for her opinion. Everyone came back with the same answer, Dr. Judith Gorelick. I spent a lot of time in her office and she answered all the questions my husband and I had for her (by now his list was a file!) She ordered up more tests and MRIs so she could build a 3D model of my brain and tumor for surgery. She told me my surgery date was set for June 2.

Then I got the next blow; my tumor had been getting its blood supply from a branch it had formed off the carotid artery. Before surgery, they would need to thread a catheter up through my body into my brain and block the branch or I there was a good chance I would bleed to death during surgery. The procedure was extremely risky and I could have a stroke or die. Great, as if the brain surgery part was not scary enough…