The Long and Winding Road

I have a confession to make; I am a reformed control freak. Okay so I am not totally reformed, but I am much better than I was before I got sick. Having a brain tumor turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. You are probably thinking I am crazy or that I maybe did suffer some damage after my surgery, but it's true!

I was a complete control freak that micro-managed everything and I rarely asked for help. I spent the month before my surgery stocking up on non-perishables and writing copious lists and “How To” notes for every appliance in the house. My mom was coming to help out with our kids so I made a file about each daughter with notes detailing everything about them, from when they had dance classes to what they liked in their lunch boxes. I am laughing as I write this–my mom raised three kids, she did not need me to tell her how to do anything and my girls were 11 and 13, they were capable of telling my mom what they wanted for lunch!

After an 18-hour surgery, I was quite frail when I came home. Walking to the bathroom was exhausting and climbing the stairs felt like scaling Everest. I needed a lot of assistance; I was not allowed to bend my head so I could not even dress myself. This was a very humbling experience for me and, because I was on huge doses of steroids to prevent my brain swelling, it was also an emotional time. I would be happy one second, angry the next and then I would cry because I felt frustrated or guilty that I had gotten angry.

During this time, I discovered that this little town we lived in had a huge heart. My family had been involved in the Relay for Life since it began in North Branford and we had made a lot of friends. Our Relay Family stepped up to the plate when I got sick, one couple brought lawn equipment weekly and mowed our large yard. We had dinners delivered nightly and our girls got rides to dance classes, etc., so my husband did not have to leave the house.

My good friend, Debbie, was my co-coordinator. She made sure everything was done so my husband could concentrate on helping me. There are many people in this town who we will always think of as our extended family and I could never thank them enough. It was this outpouring of help that made me realize I could let go of control and the world will not end if I accept help or if things are not done “my way”.

Another lesson I learned was to quit worrying, if worrying was an Olympic sport, I could have won gold. Looking back now I can see how much this impacted my life. Constantly worrying that the worst is going to happen stops you from doing things, and worse, stops you from letting loved ones do things. Well after all this worrying, the worst thing happened; I got sick anyway! I realized that no amount of worrying will ever change the outcome, so why waste the time and energy doing it?

It took about two months for me to start getting my life back to normal. I could drive again after eight weeks so I went back to work part time. I still got tired easily, but my surgeon reassured me that this was normal for anyone that had been under anesthesia for so long and she reminded me, I had brain surgery, it was going to take time for everything to heal. The old me would have set out to prove her wrong, but I had turned over a new leaf and accepted that this would be a marathon, not a sprint.