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What Disciplinary Measures Work Best with Your Kids?

When your kids act out, how do you take control of the situation?

We had soccer this weekend and it was freezing with a capital F. Luckily, my four-year-old daughter plays at 8:30 a.m. and then there's an hour break before my six-year-old son's game (sense the sarcasm?).

Last week we warmed up in the car in between games, but as I was feeling like an extra nice mom, I suggested we get hot chocolate at a little place across the street. We decided on muffins, too. Well, the nice moment was short-lived as my four-year-old decided she wanted orange juice, too–and sharing mine was an unacceptable in her eyes.

She proceeded to get upset and tried to grab my juice. I told her that isn't a nice way to act and if she kept it up, she wouldn't be getting her hot chocolate and we would leave. Well, my calm reasoning didn't work out so well and she got even madder.

I stood up and asked the waitress to pack our muffins to go just as she was bringing them out and put my son's hot chocolate in a to-go cup. We walked to the car where she proceeded to cry complete with telling me, "You're not my mom!" (see video clip...see how nice I am that I'll share my tortured morning with all of you!)

At that point, I decided ignoring her was the best bet. Though she continued to cry until we got out to go to my son's game, I just kept walking with her following behind. As his team's coach, I got the kids warming up and one of her friends showed up and then, like a switch, my happy little girl was back.

When we got home, it was straight to her room for a little rest. Other methods we've used to combat behavior include a chart system that rewarded positive behavior with stickers; the naughty shelf where toys go when the kids act up and they can then earn back with good behavior; and of course, there are some days when there's yelling!

How do you deal with bad behavior from your kids? What tactics have you used that have proven successful?

Alicia Hannan November 1, 2011 at 05:38 pm
I agree with the threatening to take things away. I have twins that are 4 and a son who is 6. If I threaten to take away their videos, or princess dolls, etc., then they know that I mean business. Doesnt always work, but it calms them down enough to talk quietly and calmly.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 1, 2011 at 05:40 pm
I find that does work, but with her, we have to be at home so she sees that I'm taking something away from her.
Bill Keane November 1, 2011 at 08:20 pm
A Snippet of fun Saturday morning... What would I do?
I'd be a parent, and put down the camera.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 1, 2011 at 09:11 pm
So how exactly would you handle the situation @bill keane?
Bill Keane November 1, 2011 at 09:18 pm
The bigger picture, in my view, is I'd remove the video that embarrasses my kid on the internet...
Krista Surprenant November 1, 2011 at 09:45 pm
I think the BIG PICTURE is that the purpose of this column is to take part in a constructive and respectful dialogue about parental issues.
Bill Keane November 1, 2011 at 10:23 pm
Yes, and respectful dialogue takes place best when children are protected from public humiliation. It's unnecessary and uncalled for. The child in question is entitled to anonymity. It is amazing that the Patch would allow the video content of this posting. The video should be removed.
Abbie Walston November 2, 2011 at 12:25 am
I haven't yet read the comments so I can give my impartial opinion. I think remaining calm and being patient, not reacting from anger is key. My son is almost 20 months so I can really only speak from parenting a toddler. I try to focus on gentle discipline, so instead of spanking I will say things like "no, we do not eat rocks." calmly and intentionally. I try to distract him or comfort him, but when all else fails leaving the public place is important. When my son had an epic tantrum at the potato fest this year, we high tailed it out of there. I knew he was over tired and over stimulated so we had to go. I think leaving was the right thing to do. But also, try to look at it from her point of view. Was she tired, cold, did she want to go home instead of stay for her brother's game? I think these tantrums are rarely about what sets the off. The OJ may have just catalyzed her breakdown. And what can you learn from it?
I try to value my son's needs and his feelings. My goal is not to control him and demand his unquestioning compliance. I'd rather have him grow up to be compassionate, understanding and patient. And so I do my best to model those qualities for him. I think you did that by remaining calm. I would just add a discussion about it when you got home so your daughter can explain how she felt and you can explain that you're upset with her behavior, but you still love her unconditionally.
Abbie Walston November 2, 2011 at 12:32 am
I think bill raises an interesting point, and this is something I struggle with as someone with writing jobs online. How much sharing is too much? Names, photos, videos? I think it is up to each patent to decide what is right for their family. I have received criticism for using my son's real name online. This would be an interesting topic to discuss in a future post. I think what generation you belong to makes a difference.
Beverage Guy November 2, 2011 at 01:21 am
I agree with you that it is up to each parent to decide. As I watched the video, having already passed that stage, I saw it as that could have been any child. I think every one of us (who has had children in that age range) has been through this. I watched it and chuckled thinking "I remember those days." Sorry for sounding as if I have no compassion there Jenn, I feel for you, but I had to chuckle.
Beverage Guy November 2, 2011 at 01:27 am
I think you have to find what works best with each child as far as discipline. I know for years, when my son had issues in school, they always wanted to take the 'reward' approach. This never worked for him as it would take him maybe a week to figure out just how much he could get away with and still get his reward. Finally, last year, I stood firm and told the school to let me use the 'lose everything and earn it back' approach when he was on the verge of failing. It worked great. I wish I had stood firm on it earlier against the school's wishes. But, like I said, each child responds differently as I see just in my home.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 2, 2011 at 01:40 am
Bill. I appreciate your opinion and weighing in on the topic, and it is a point of view I have not thought of. I, in no way, am using this as public humiliation. I was simply using it as another means to demonstrate the issue that arose that morning and looking for some other point-of-views on how to handle a situation. I also have found in the past that even just hearing, 'I've been there' helps. I apologize if you found the video offensive in any way, but I was just looking to open a dialogue in order to share parenting tips.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 2, 2011 at 01:46 am
Thank you for the response Abbie! It is hard to step back sometimes in those situations and see what else could be at the root of the issue. We did talk about it when we got home. In the midst of her crying, she said the only thing that would make her stop crying was a kiss and a hug so I pulled her into the front seat and told her I loved her and she calmed down...she then said, "Can I have my hot chocolate now?" When I said "No, you lost it as a consequence of your behavior at the restaurant (we've been talking about consequences a lot lately)" it started all over again.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 2, 2011 at 01:49 am
@Abbie. I agree, this certainly could be an interesting topic to discuss, especially now that it seems impossible to really know how the privacy settings work on Facebook.
@Beverage Guy. I'm glad you got a chuckle. And don't feel bad, I actually had to laugh a little at the end of the video, even in the moment, because of the height of the dramatics! And I know sometimes when it's someone else's kid throwing the tantrum or acting out, it almost makes you feel a little better to see all kids (and parents) have their moments.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 2, 2011 at 01:51 am
I'm glad you found something that worked! We have certainly had days with the 'lose everything and earn it back' approach with toys going on the naughty shelf. It is surprisingly motivating!
Bill Keane November 2, 2011 at 02:01 am
Thanks Abbie... I think the right to privacy is a big one. My belief is it's very possible to reference stories about our kids in a positive and humorous way. To me, actually showing a meltdown crosses a line. It's a line that the child has no say in. The original author is skilled enough as a writer to make her daughter the subject without subjecting her daughter to more exposure than is fair. Parents have meltdowns too. I know I have... I don't know if I'd want one posted on the web without my permission -- no context, no control... People gave their lives to establish a right to privacy, and too often we give it away, for nothing, ourselves. I'm sure JM meant well. I also believe the article, if posted without the video, would still have elicited solid advice and constructive opinion.
SolarPete November 2, 2011 at 12:54 pm
I agree why rub salt over this sore
SolarPete November 2, 2011 at 12:57 pm
I found sometimes to show ur kids how they are acting let them see them selves and many times they will laugh and say how silly there were They can learn from their mistakes
Katy Dillman November 2, 2011 at 04:27 pm
One thing that may be helpful for the future is to remember that stress is affecting things - for everyone. If you're feeling stressed by the number of things to get done, your kids probably are, too. It doesn't seem fair to expect little kids to be calm and well-behaved when you're stressed and frantic.
Children are very sensitive to outside stimuli and will definitely respond to their surroundings. Perhaps canceling some of the activities scheduled and allowing for more down-time is key for your child. I have an almost-5-yr old who can be the most well-behaved child, but who can also be a holy terror. Much of her behavior is determined by 1) how much sleep she's gotten, 2) how much I've been running her around that day, and 3) my own patience level. All these things affect a child's behavior. Sometimes you just have to recognize that the kid is crabby and cut them some slack - the more frustrated you get, the more out-of-control they'll get.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 2, 2011 at 05:00 pm
Well said Katy! That's a pretty valid top-three list for behavior and you're right, it is important to recognize these things. Thanks for sharing!
Krista Surprenant November 2, 2011 at 11:22 pm
This is very well put katy! I agree! My little one is normally well behaved especially in public, but he definitely has his moments. When he does I like to deal with them swiftly and on the spot, but I do consider what might be causing it- is it almost nap time? are we the 4th store or stop of the morning etc...I often go through our list of things to do with him and make him responsible for remembering something that we have to do, I also tell him what time his snack will be and where we will be when he gets it- this has kept many meltdowns at bay I am sure. He loves to help naturally and it gives me the opportunity to praise him, but it also makes things less stressful since he knows exactly what to expect.
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 4, 2011 at 04:00 pm
Saw this on Facebook today...and some thought I was mean for recording a fit...at least I didn't make her have one on purpose...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YQpbzQ6gzs&sns=em
SolarPete November 4, 2011 at 04:12 pm
wonder if this little girl touched some of the gel coated signs in Branford
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 4, 2011 at 04:19 pm
If only the solution was that easy Pete!
SolarPete November 4, 2011 at 04:26 pm
solutions are easy but only if u look at the out come differently how would u act if that was u on the screen and ur parents posted ur true self in public? Or how would u act if mommy gave u hot cocoa and wanted to share her oj I don't think she knew what she was doing was wrong unless she is an evil demon just remember I bet u acted just like she did when u were that young and felt it wasn't fair too Or have we forgotten u were young once too or are u use to getting ur way now that u are older
Jenn McCulloch (Editor) November 4, 2011 at 04:41 pm
I probably did act that way when I was young, as did many other kids, hence the reason I am asking for people's opinions on how they deal with those situations. I also know that if I had the choice of OJ or hot chocolate, I would've been able to pick one and only one and if I acted out after that, I would have not gotten to enjoy either one.
You also said above: "I found sometimes to show ur kids how they are acting let them see them selves and many times they will laugh and say how silly there were They can learn from their mistakes" Does this mean that you do think I should have taken the video and then shown it to her and maybe then she would have laughed instead of continuing to cry? Is that a disciplinary measure that has worked with your kids? I never actually showed her the clip of her tantrum, but if that has worked for you, maybe I will try it. Thank you for the suggestion!
SolarPete November 4, 2011 at 08:29 pm
Sometimes when kids see how funny they look they will learn from there actions. I know from the past many kids will see how foolish they are acting and they will change. I remember once a child was crying in the store and I turned to her and cried and acted like she was she laughed at me and said I was being silly, but once she saw herself doing it it showed how silly it was Show her the video
Lauren O November 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm
I think that you did the right think. I agree with Doreen's comment that giving her the juice would send the message that if you have a big enough fit that you'll get what you want. It sets up a bad pattern. As far as comments about "humiliating" the child. She is 4, and as good as some kids are with technology, I doubt that any of ther friends are reading the Patch at 4. When your kids are older, then it might be a different issue to contend with as an online writer. Thanks for posting. It reminds me as a mother of a 5 and 3 year old that all of us face tough moments with the kids.
fedup November 5, 2011 at 01:15 am
How about just teaching your children that "no" means "no", all the time, not just sometimes. Home and School should be benevolent dictatorships. Parents who understand this have successful children. I know this as a kindergarten and first grade teacher of 25 years. (public school) Stop making excuses, and parent up! Whiny parents make for whiny children and a whiny (entitlement driven) world.
Krista Surprenant November 5, 2011 at 07:39 pm
So "fedup" I am curious- as a teacher myself for 11 years (not quite as lengthy as your 25 years) I completely get your comment- but, since you mention that you are elementary- what kind of positive reinforcement do you use in your benevolent dictatorship? The thing that I have found is that teachers often set up more consistent structure then sometimes happens at home, any advice on the + positive reinforcement and consistent structure that could be taken from the classroom and applied in the home? I have started joking with my husband that our house has started looking like an elementary classroom with charts, schedules, certain areas set up for specific activities etc...!

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Peggy Lindgren June 5, 2013 at 09:59 pm
Call Channel 8. That's what a mom had to do here in Guilford last spring to get action after herRead More kindergartener was dropped off alone at the entrance to their condo complex. She walked over 1/2 mile along side a lake and woods to her condo. As a school bus driver and a mother I am shocked that these instances have not been dealt with swiftly! Never, ever on my watch would this happen!
Jay R Greene June 7, 2013 at 03:14 pm
Update- I get a call the other day from the school that my son was pushed while waiting for the busRead More and fell. I was told the teacher watching was a substitute and put him on the bus. When asked if he was okay I basically was told that they had no idea! (That is another story) Bottom line is I had a nice call with the principal and feel that she has done all she could. Based on her advice I contacted the Superintendent to see if I could schedule a call with him. Tuesday at 10:00 AM Obviously I see were this situation ranks!
Dawn Porter June 8, 2013 at 11:27 am
I had problems last year with out driver taking off before my son sat down. I reported this to theRead More school principal as well as DATCO. Datco could careless what the drivers do. The principal called them as well and it stopped. I now watch every day from a different window. The driver knows I will report him again if he does this again. We have had a few sub drivers do the same. Datco doesnt care what the drivers do no use in having them investigate anything. They wont listen. The thing is it has to be documented if i see anything on any bus around town you have to call it in especially when you see children not in seats jumping around ect. They really need to put cameras on the buses some kids dont listen to the drivers either its a 2 way street but the actions of dropping a kid off when its not their stop is ridicules!